51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

chaxia (chak-see-uh)

Scort Muggins, Human year 3250:

I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not to post this planet. I’m ashamed, but my hope is that by sharing my experience, I can prevent other beings from having the same fate and maybe even save some lives. It wasn’t my fault… 

It wasn’t my fault. 

Chaxia was a normal planet compared to Mars. It was roughly the same size and rotated on its axis at almost the same speed. It’s day was just slightly shorter. The Chaxiotes had massive cities that integrated nature in a perfect way. All of the structures were covered in bright green vines, and every rooftop had thick foliage on top. You could barely tell these were buildings. It was as if someone had built a city in the middle of a rainforest and the rainforest didn’t mind one bit. 

I landed in the third largest city on Chaxia and was greeted by a team of Chaxiote interplanetary diplomats. The Chaxiotes, having just discovered lightest speed, had just joined the intergalactic community. They were opening up trade with other planets and learning which species were hostile, though war wasn’t the norm in space. The Chaxiotes were in talks to join the Human Galactic, but had never come face to face with an actual human until I visited. They couldn’t have been more excited. 

The intelligent species was the real crown jewel of the planet. I had never met a more adorable being. They had three large eyes that could make a Grinch’s heart grow five times its size. [Note: A Grinch is from a place, no more than a few nanometers around. In the quantum realm, this planet can be found.] [Note: The Grinches are known for their green fur and small hearts, and their hatred for large gatherings and the fine arts.] [Note: But it’s the holidays that the Grinches hate most. They prefer no presents, no family, and no pot roast.] The Chaxiotes had fur that came in all different colors of the spectrum and was as soft as a mixture of silky velvet, fluffy clouds, and a mother’s love. However, you shouldn’t touch them immediately. Most are uncomfortable with physical contact, and you must build trust with a Chaxiote before petting their fur. This is because they don’t have ears and hear through vibrations in the atmosphere which are detected by the hairs in their fur, making them very sensitive to touch. They weren’t large creatures, but they weren’t small. Most were tall enough to reach the middle of my chest, being mostly torso with four short, stubby legs and two short arms. (See Figure 13.1) I had never seen any alien or animal that adorable. I could just die thinking about their siwwy wittle faces. 

I spent a few days on Chaxia with the diplomats and got to know the planet and the species. Their food was pretty flavorless, but I hardly noticed as I watched them eat. Their skin would soak up the nutrients in the food as they would roll around in it while making these giggling noises that were so infectious it would be impossible not to laugh along. I could’ve stayed there, watching them for months. In fact, I did stay there for months, but not willingly. It all started after I went to the Chaxiote symphony. 

The diplomats took me to a beautiful auditorium that had plants growing outside of it as well as on the inside. I was told that the plants inside displayed electric colors when reacting to certain pitch vibrations in the music. I couldn’t wait to see it as we took our seats which were just a touch too small to be comfortable for a human. Chaxiotes came on the stage with instruments that I had never seen before. Most instruments were bigger than the Chaxiote that played them. Many had long, looping tubes that went all around the musician [Note: These were called goorshnups.] (See Figure 13.2) while others had strings going from one end of the stage to the other [Note: Those were called flipdyos.] (See Figure 13.3).

The concert began, and I was immediately irritated. I looked around at the other Chaxiotes as they enjoyed the piercing, dissonant tones. The plants growing around the seats seemed to enjoy the sound too, turning beautiful purples and aquas. Maybe my ears were processing the pulsing, shrill wave vibrations differently somehow. As the music continued, the irritation turned to excruciating rage. I was overtaken with a blind, violent fury. The plants around me in the auditorium all turned blood red as I stood up, foaming at the mouth. I grabbed the Chaxiote next to me and threw it across the aisle into another chair and heard the crack of a teeny weeny bone in its skeleton. The other one next to me lost its itty bitty arm when I ripped it from its socket. The music kept playing and the plants danced in reds, oranges, and blacks. I couldn’t help the madness and aggression building inside of me as I tore through a crowd of Chaxiotes to get to the stage. The music stopped, but the violence didn’t. I used a flipdyo string to rope together a dozen Chaxiote musicians and then pulled on the string so hard that their fluffy wuffy bodies were sliced in half. I grabbed one of the goorshnups and bashed four other Chaxiote’s heads in. By this time, I had started seeing images in the colorful plants. My absentee father’s cackling head rolled across the auditorium as I continued to murder every Chaxiote I could get my hands on. Heads were dropkicked, legs were disassembled, and big, beautiful eyes were torn from no-longer-adorable faces. (Sadly see Figure 13.4)

The massacre only ended when there was no living being in the room except for me. My breathing calmed, and I began to look around the blue blood covered auditorium. Hundreds of Chaxiotes lay dead in the auditorium. The colors in the plants faded. I had been possessed by the Chaxiote music and lost complete control. 

I heard a commotion outside the auditorium and knew I had to act fast, but I didn’t. I sat down on the stage in a pool of butchered cutie patooties, shocked by what I had done. An army of Chaxiotes burst into the auditorium and held me down as I laid motionless, not fighting back. I was knocked unconscious. 

I woke up in a blank room. No furniture, no windows, no pictures. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all the same shade of bluish gray. There was only one door with a small window in it, but I couldn’t see through it. I was in the corner of the room, restrained by a vest I couldn’t take off that was attached to a rope made out of some kind of flexible metal. It was hooked to the wall. I could only move around in about a quarter of the room. That was fine with me. I needed a moment to regroup and organize my thoughts.

Not too long passed when a group of Chaxiote scientists came into the room all dwessed up in big boy lab coats. I couldn’t help but smile. They did not return the smile. They made a couple of notes and left the room. Then some speakers turned on, and Chaxiote music began to play. I lost control again, but this time there were no adorable Chaxiotes to tear in half. I took out all of my anger on my restraints, which didn’t break. As soon as the music stopped, my aggression disappeared instantly. The speakers started to play a different kind of music. It sounded like traditional Mars music, which I was never particularly fond of, but I wasn’t overcome with fury. I just sat in the corner and refused to bop to the bop. 

These experiments went on for months. I was slowly being driven insane by the sudden bouts of rage followed by immediate and intense indifference. To be taken from one end of the spectrum to another in such a short period of time, multiple times, would chip away at anyone’s grip of reality. I needed to get out of there. 

On a bathroom break, when I was escorted from my bluish gray prison, I was able to snag some sort of device from a desk nearby. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a key to the door. But this was going to help me in a different way… hopefully. The team of cutesy poopsy scientists came in to study me for the hundredth time. They had gotten more comfortable and weren’t afraid to stand closer to examine me. That was a big mistake because the device I had snatched was the speaker remote. I turned on Chaxiote music and let it do the rest of the work. My eyes rolled to the back of my head, and I went on a rampage, killing each of the scientists and stealing a key from one of them to unlock my vest. I was loose, and still angry. I went through the building like a hunbeert during mating season, leaving carnage and slaughtered beings wherever I went in a bloodlust-fueled manic frenzy. [Note: Hunbeerts are a descendant of bears that are known for being particularly aggressive when they are in heat.] I’m sure the Chaxiotes felt immense pain because of their ultra-sensitive skin, but I didn’t care. I eventually found my way back to my impounded spaceship after tearing through the fuzzy wuzzy bodies of their mediocre security. 

I took off and didn’t look back. I don’t think I’ll be welcome there anymore, and it’s quite possible I created some interplanetary tensions between humans and Chaxiotes. At least I was free. As I flew away from the planet, I realized that I had stopped hearing the Chaxiote music for quite some time but continued to kill everyone. I wondered if, after months of being tortured by emotional experimentation, I might have developed an anger management problem. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — 9/10 (unless subject of scientific research)
Food — 3/10
Sights — 10/10
Activities — 7/10
Family Friendly — 10/10 (if wearing earplugs)
Music - 0/10