51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

porg (porg)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3269:

We almost left Porg as soon as we arrived. It had an amazing landscape with seemingly untouched beautiful snowy mountains and lush forests, but that was probably because we didn’t come across any cities or signs of civilization. This may have been why the planet was labeled “DO NOT INTERFERE” on the list of habitable planets. I had ignored the warning and visited anyway. The Human Galactic tended to be a little too precious about the undeveloped areas of the universe. And it didn’t look like there was anything much to really interfere with. Still, I decided to land so we could at least stretch our legs a bit. 

As we walked off my ship, I saw some creatures approaching apprehensively. They had a humanoid build, but reptilian skin. Each had four arms, two legs, and no tail. I was hoping they would have a tail. That would’ve been cooler. All of them were naked except for a tiny leaf that was covering the same part on each of their bodies - right in the middle of the torso. (See Figure 27.1)

Luskem was holding Pleeft atop their head-body (See Figure 27.2) and stayed back as I walked toward the creatures. They nervously took a step back. I tried to look as harmless as possible and walked toward them again, and they again took another skittish step backward. After twenty repetitions of this pattern, it was clear that they had never seen a spaceship before, much less another sentient species. After the twenty-first repetition, I seemed to earn their trust and they circled around me, examining me and prodding me. 

We followed them to a cave nearby and found more of these primitive Porgis. The ones we had followed grunted at the ones in the cave, gestured to us, and grunted some more. The cave Porgis grunted back. We started grunting and gesturing just to confuse them. It was hilarious. They were so stupid. 

“They’re all a bunch of morons,” Pleeft said from her pot, only able to move around with the help of Luskem.

“It wasn’t too long ago that you only knew just a little more about the universe than they do now,” I reminded Pleeft. 

“Yeah, well… Whatever…” 

The group made up a bed for us in the cave with twigs and leaves. Luskem was too nice to deny them, but I politely declined for us and tried to explain that we would be back tomorrow. I’m sure none of them understood what I was saying. I tried a few grunts. It only led to more confusion. As we left the cave, I looked around a bit more. There was no camp. There was no fire pit, no tools, no tents. Flirk... they were dumber than we thought. I told myself the next day that I would help nudge them in the right direction. This was no way to live. Feeling amazing about the good deeds I would do the next day, we got into the spaceship, I had my daily crumb of Plysmorphian food, and we went to bed. 

In the morning, the Porgis were outside waiting for us, surrounding my ship. We went back to the cave and I collected some twigs along the way. They were puzzled by what I was doing, but I grunted at them to trust us. I constructed a small fire pit, assembled the twigs, and lit the fire. They immediately ran away screaming, horrified. Pleeft, Luskem, and I laughed and laughed. Pleeft whistled at them to come back, but as I’ve established, Pleeft can’t really whistle. [Note: I’m sure all my readers remember Pleeft’s inability to whistle from my Spaltnia blog post, as I’m sure you remember everything from reading each and every one of my blog posts.] Eventually, the Porgis gathered the courage to approach. I found some sort of root growing nearby and cooked it over the fire. We gave it to them to eat, hoping it wasn’t poisonous but willing to take the risk. They loved it of course and began yelping and hollering. The Porgis gathered around me and hoisted me up on their shoulders. We were gods to them. Well… more like I was a god to them and Luskem and Pleeft were like… friends of a god. 

I loved the attention. I had never gotten this much attention growing up on Mars, so I wanted to stay on Porg for a while, much to the dismay of Pleeft. Pleeft spent most of the time complaining on the ship. Luskem spent most of the time trying to convince Pleeft to be more open to new experiences and new species. I spent all of my time teaching the Porgis how to make and use simple tools, and I even taught them Chinese. 

One Porgi was my brightest student, and I didn’t hide my favoritism from the other Porgis. I named her Corpney. We would take long walks together, and you could see the curiosity behind her eyes. [Note: It wasn’t quite clear which of the Porgis were male or female or if that was even a thing.] I had never seen anyone more inquisitive about the world and beyond. When the star in the sky would hit Corpney’s skin just right, it would shine off the scales and create a gorgeous shimmer. After a few weeks, I became infatuated with her. I think she was a little old for me, but I remembered that my body had aged quite a bit on Plysmorphis and the rest of my journey. On one of our walks, I looked into her eyes as she looked back at me. I grabbed her hand and put it to my chest. She grabbed my hand and put it to hers. Then I whispered the word “love.” I could tell she understood what it meant.

One night, I didn’t go back to my spaceship and instead spent the night in the cave. Cuddled up next to Corpney, I lifted up the tiny leaf on her torso and saw that it was covering up a small slit. She seemed to be into it so I didn’t stop... Then four tentacles burst out of her torso hole and latched onto my hand, pulling my arm into Corpney’s chest. I ripped my arm back, but the tentacles only clutched onto me harder and pulled me in farther. I grabbed my arm with my other hand to yank it free, but the tentacles engulfed the second arm and both were lost into Corpney’s torso. I accepted my fate as my elbows plunged into the Porgi I once trusted. Corpney squealed with maniacal delight… and seconds later the tentacles relaxed and I had my arms back, completely unharmed.

Corpney and I developed a relationship after that. Pleeft told me not to get involved - I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that she really wanted off the planet. Luskem was supportive, as always, and teased me that I was under Corpney’s reign. Luskem then whipped one of their eye arms and made the sound - 

“Wtshhh…”

I was the one in control. Not Corpney. To prove it to Luskem and myself, I spent the rest of my nights in the spaceship... but then Corpney started to spend some nights in the spaceship with me. Luskem teased us more and sang:

“Scort and Corpney, gonna get freaky. F - L - I - R - K - I - N - G!”

We ignored them. 

I continued to teach Chinese to the tribe of Porgis, and I could see real progress. They were communicating with each other, building their own fires, and using tools like pros. They brought me into their cave to share some artwork they had been working on which portrayed Luskem, Pleeft, and I as gods that came down from the heavens to show them the way. I didn’t hate it. (See Figure 27.3)

I had taught them everything I could. It was time to let them develop as a society on their own and for Luskem, Pleeft, and I to continue on our quest. But that also meant leaving Corpney. 

I took Corpney on one of our long walks. I kept telling myself that this was the moment to confess, then I would find an excuse to wait a little longer. I did this until we were done with our walk and almost back at camp. I couldn’t delay any longer. I confessed to Corpney that we had to leave and she became furious with me. I didn’t want her to know just how upset I was about leaving her and how much I loved her. I’m sure she knew that. But I didn’t want her to know that I knew that she knew how upset I was… you know? We argued for hours, though most of the time was spent defining bigger words I was using. The argument ended with both of us still angry. She stormed off, and I was left alone. I noticed a Porgi that I didn’t recognize that had been spying on us from behind some Porg flora. I didn’t think anything of it and went back to my spaceship. Corpney slept in the cave that night. I had to apologize to her the very next morning before we left.

In the morning, there were no Porgis outside my ship to greet me. I thought it was odd since there had always been at least one waiting for me. Maybe Corpney had convinced them to be a little petty and passive aggressive. Infuriating. I made my way to the cave as I had many times before and found that the fire had gone out at the camp - even more petty. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the same peeping Porgi from the day before scurry away from the camp. Inside the cave, my heart sank . All of the Porgis I had taught and nurtured for months had been slaughtered by a rival Porgi tribe. Blood was everywhere, smeared across the cave paintings, and not a sound echoed. I rushed to Corpney and saw her eyes still open, but the endless curiosity behind them had faded. I crumpled to my knees, cradled her body, and wept. I had never felt a love like this. I would never feel it again. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — 2/10
Food — 3/10
Sights — 4/10
Activities — 2/10
Family Friendly — 3/10
Losing the Love of Your Life Before Gettting to Apologize for What You Said the Night Before — 0/10