51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

yintaki (yihn-tah-kee)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3270:

Yintaki and Abayang had always been relatively close planets in their system, but over several thousand years, they had become closer, much closer. And the rate at which they grew closer had become higher, much higher. The phenomenon was originally detected by a sexy Yintakian scientist a couple hundred years ago. 

A bit about the Yinktakians: It would seem as though their evolutionary standards of fertility matched up perfectly with humans, other than their purple skin. Therefore, their species had the same traits of attraction. The probability of this occurring naturally was slim to none, as if someone was too lazy or too scared to come up with an alien species that differed at all from the human race. Like using a beloved sci fi actress, painting her in green or blue makeup, and calling her an alien. And, oddly enough, it seemed that the smartest Yintakian scientists and industry leaders were the most drop dead gorgeous. They had perfectly sculpted bodies that were symmetrical to the millimeter, large breasts, wide hips, toned muscles, immaculate jaw lines, smiles that could buckle your legs. It didn’t matter which gender I was looking at, this place was boner central.

At the time of the IPCT discovery [Note: IPCT = Inevitable Planetary Collision Theory], Yintakian technology wasn’t advanced enough to take any preventative actions. After a few world wars on the planet, the original research was destroyed and forgotten. The separate governments on Yintaki stayed at odds with each other, never finding common ground, even as their technology improved astronomically. Of course, I wasn’t paying much attention because all I could do was stare at the body of the expert teaching us this information. I left the listening up to Pleeft and Luskem. 

In short, global catastrophes on Yintaki had worsened. 

On Rucoka 37, 1998 at 6:93am by the Yintakian calendar, their major city Hagwo was completely destroyed by winds of over 676 kmph. Buildings were ripped apart in second and sent flying through the skyline. Yintakians were whisked from the ground, hundred of thousands never to be seen again.

On Babakut 35, 1998 at 8:78pm, five Yintakian months later, a lightning storm shattered every structure within a 65 kilometer radius of Keptich, another major city on the other side of the planet. A lightning strike occurred every .002 seconds, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, killing 8.5 million Yintakians. 

On Teezon 18, 1998 at 12:01am, less than two months later, an area with a high concentration of lakes experienced several limnic eruptions. [Note: Limnic eruptions are rare natural disaster in which dissolved gases hidden at the bottom of lakes are suddenly and violently released, forming a cloud of gases.] Due to the change in gravity and atmospheric pressure, the lakes exploded, creating miniature tsunamis and destroying nearby towns. Those that survived the waves were suffocated by the immense amount of gas that spread across a 120 kilometer radius. 

Since then, IPCT research resurfaced to explain the severe weather as it increased in frequency. Panic erupted in the streets all across the planet, and the governments that had previously been enemies banded together to find a solution to their impending annihilation. As the ocean’s waves quintupled in size and the sea levels rose, sexy scientists across Yintaki tried to figure out how to stop the two planets from colliding. As of this moment, it’s been thirty years since the IPCPP began [Note: IPCPP = Inevitable Planetary Collision Prevention Project]. A third of the population has been killed due to the changes in the planet’s magnetic field, gravitational pull, and axis rotation. 

There was an IPCPPM [Note: IPCPPM = Inevitable Planetary Collision Prevention Project Mission] to go to Abayang, drill several thousand miles down, and attempt to blow the planet up from the inside. Four gorgeous astronauts and a team of smoking hot drill experts rocketed to Abayang and set up a drill camp, but the mission was an IPCPPMF [Note: IPCPPMF = Inevitable Planetary Collision Prevention Project Mission Failure]. The Abayang crust was too thin and they couldn’t make it through the magma center to get the explosive deep enough. Although the Yintaki political leaders wanted to go through with the mission anyway, a group of devilishly-handsome rebel scientists secretly went against their wishes. The fear was that a shallow explosive would send massive, separated pieces of Abayang hurtling toward Yintaki, wiping out every living thing in a cataclysmic, extinction-level event… followed by the two planets colliding anyway. The mission was aborted in the nick of time.  

The Yintakian’s last attempt and final approach was using every weapon they had and firing all of them at Abayang. It didn’t do anything except create a large crater on the surface. They had no Plan C, and they were out of ideas. 

Thank goodness Luskem and Pleeft had been listening because I was too distracted by the boner-fide looks of the panel of scientists and politicians before me. Pleeft snapped me out of the sexual trance. The Yintakians asked us for our help. After all, I was a member of an advanced civilization, but I wasn’t sure how much help we could be. We had a spaceship, but it didn’t come with a planet killing phaser blaster... though I had asked for one. I suggested the Yintakians prepare planet-wide evacuations and get as many people off the surafce as possible. In the meantime, I would send a few messages to the Human Galactic asking for assistance. I wasn’t sure if they would respond since I didn’t make a great first impression the last time I contacted them [Note: This story to come.] That was a real disaster. 

The Yintakians built as many transport ships as possible and stocked them with as much fuel and as many resources as they could. After all, they didn’t know how long they would be living on the ships. The logistics of the escape plan were a snooze, so we decided to visit Abayang to see what it was like. 

Ratings:

Hospitality — 9/10
Food — 8/10
Sights — 7/10
Activities — 2/10
Family Friendly — 5/10
Scientists — 15/10

Abayang (A-buh-yang)

Abayang was the most beautiful, untouched masterpiece of a planet. There were massive canyons, towering mountains, and glistening oceans that were as clear as glass. Pillowing clouds roamed across the sky like massive olabuths [Note: Olabuths are two-ton Martian mammals with one huge horn and a thick hide] on the plains of Mars. Yet there was no sign of life on Abayang. There was no flora or fauna to speak of. Even when a planet is lucky enough to be located in the habitable zone, there is no guarantee that it will produce life, but it was beautiful nonetheless. In case things didn’t work out with the Human Galactic, it was a relief not to worry about the destruction of two different life systems on two different planets. 

RATINGS:

Hospitality - N/A
Food - N/A
Sights - 10/10
Activities - N/A 
Family Friendly - 6/10
Commute from Yintaki - 10/10

Yintaki (Yihn-tah-kee) and (and) Abayang (a-buh-yang)

We went back to Yintaki to see if the foxy scientists and politicians had made progress. Millions of ships able to carry a few billion Yintakians were prepared, but they still needed more time. Time was something they didn’t have. 

I decided to shoot my shot with the panel of specialists we had been working with. To my surprise, one female specialist obliged (the benefits of fame!) though she was just a geologist… In any case, we went back to my spaceship. I was excited about the experience of being with a foxy Yintakian, and halfway through, I came to realize that the females were the gender with the protruding sexual organs, not the males. And indeed, the Yintakian female seemed to be just as excited about the experience of being with Scort Muggins. [Note: I don’t often talk about myself in third person, but this moment calls for it.]

One month and a couple billion Yintakian deaths later, the transport armada was ready to handle the entire population of Yintaki. Unfortunately, my messages hadn’t made it to the Human Galactic - or they decided to ignore them for reasons I won’t get into yet - and the Yintakians had to evacuate before the gravity of Abayang directly interfered with the launching of the transports. Everyone boarded the ships, and Pleeft, Luskem, toast-bot, and I boarded mine. We made our way off the planet, but not before seeing a whole city and a few hundred transports ripped from the surface of Yintaki and hover between the two colliding planets. 

Most made it out of harm’s way and turned to watch their home planet be destroyed, but right at that moment, the Human Galactic arrived. Two gargantuan ships the size of Venus positioned themselves on both sides of Abayang and sent millions of cables to latch onto the surface. They propelled themselves slowly at first, in an attempt to drag Abayang away from Yintaki. The ships picked up speed and Abayang separated. We weren’t on the Yintakian transports, but I could’ve sworn we heard the cheers of the Yintakians as they hooted and hollered in space.

The celebration was short-lived. The two planets were already locked together, the strong gravitational pull between the two unfailing. When Abayang pulled away, it acted as an elastic slingshot for Yintaki. The Yintakians home planet launched itself straight toward Abayang and the two planets smashed together right before our eyes. The shock was so incredible that it tore the two rescue ships in half and both exploded. The Human Galactic would not be answering any of my messages after that. 

I sent the Yintakian armada the coordinates to Mars and we went on our way. I was sure the humans wouldn’t mind taking in the fit, beautiful, bombshell group of refugees. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — N/A
Food — N/A
Sights — N/A
Activities — N/A
Family Friendly — N/A
Remains of Planetary Explosion — 10/10 (very cool to view from a safe distance)