51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

zebyn (zeh-bihn)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3271:

After Meiti, our first stop was a fueling station. It was a classic case of past-Scort not thinking about future-Scort and pushing off a refueling stop for as long as possible. On our way there, I filled Luskem and Pleeft in about what happened when I stepped onto the forbidden spot. 

“Basically, when I traveled at lightest speed, I tore through space and time and appeared in the same spot, but twenty-two human years earlier. Also, I turned back into a baby,” I explained.

“So, you’re twenty-two human years old?” Luskem asked.

“Yes, but also kind of a lot older. I was born in 3218 and it’s 3271 now, which would make me 53 years old. But I spent twenty-two extra years simultaneously existing as my past and future-self on Meiti. So that would make me 75 years old mentally. If you subtract the ten years I spent passed out on Plysmorphis and the sixteen years that passed while we were on Demursh because of the extreme gravity, that would probably put me around 49… give or take a few space time continuum fluctuations here and there.”

“Makes total sense,” Pleeft said sarcastically. 

I don’t know if she ever said anything that wasn’t sarcastic. 

“And you have all your old memories too?” Luskem nervously asked, thinking that I had just read about my friends and forgotten the rest. 

“I remember it all. Except for Wimber… and Tenalp. But I don’t think any of us remember those. Reading 51 PLANETS sparked all of the memories.”

We arrived at the fueling station, which was a lot shadier than expected. A strange being approached us and asked - spat rather - if it could interest us in all of the riches in the universe. We told it to buzz off. I thought it had, but as soon as we filled up the ship and took off, it came out of my ship’s bathroom and asked… again. 

“Can I interest you in all of the riches in the universe?”

This was the second time a being had wandered into my bathroom, and I fondly remembered my friend Schtef, probably still playing in the penitentes on Nehmat. When Schtef lunged at me from my bathroom, I was sure it was an enemy, but then we became pals. It was unlikely that this would be the same case. Before I could lock the strange creature back in the bathroom, it pulled out a map. The map led to a planet that had —

“Aaaaall the riches in the universe,” saying it with the being this time. “Yes, you said that already.” 

It was obviously deranged. I was worried about putting Luskem and Pleeft in danger by keeping this thing around, but we were in deep space. I couldn’t just eject it from the ship, though I thought about it. The planet on the map wasn’t too far away, so I told the being that we would give it a lift. We were running low on funds - another wonderful problem past-Scort left me - and if by some tiny, minuscule, infinitesimally small chance that there was anything of value on the planet, we could use it.

Though I asked politely, the being didn’t stop talking and spitting in my face the entire way there. It’s name was Dilly Dones, and it continued to tell me the tall tale of the secret planet that somehow no one knew about. I would’ve asked Dilly if it had been there before, that is, if I had been able to get a word in. That didn’t stop it from telling us every single detail. Dilly had been in a pub on a far-off moon when it overheard two other beings whispering about the mysterious planet. The two beings got in a tousle and killed each other over the map. Dilly stole the map and told no one. At least that’s what Dilly said. I found it hard to believe since it was telling us everything right then and there. Though, I’m sure nobody took Dilly seriously. We definitely weren’t. 

We arrived on Zebyn shortly after Dilly finished its long-winded story. It wasn’t a pleasant looking creature and seemed quite old, though I wasn’t sure if that was just the look of its species. Dilly had many wrinkles, a few long hairs, and large ears. It’s eyes took up most of its large face, and its small body wasn’t very proportionate. Dilly’s skin was gray, but it thankfully wore clothes. (See Figure 42.1) I tried to avoid looking at Dilly too much during the trip. 

The surface of Zebyn was hot. Smoking hot. The average temperature on the planet was 1100 degrees celsius. [Note: For perspective, the Martian sun is an average temperature of 5505 degrees celsius.] But its scalding crust was what created the oceans and rivers of liquid gold across the planet. 

I had my anti-suit which was anti-gravity, anti-radiation, and thankfully, anti-heat. Dilly had brought its own protective gear, obviously knowing a little more about this planet than it cared to tell us. Pleeft and Luskem stayed safe in the ship while Dilly and I ventured outside in the Dutch oven that was Zebyn. As we walked in fields of gold, I assumed most of the surface was made of refractory metals -  elements like titanium and rhodium, which are resistant to heat. Dilly and I made our way to the edge of one of the golden rivers. It was mesmerizing and unlike anything I had ever seen. Dilly began to dance and sing about its sudden abundance of wealth.

Another few ships arrived, and several other beings came out to inspect the rivers of liquid gold. They were better looking than Dilly Dones, but not by much. The one in charge was slightly bigger than me. It was a beaked fellow with colorful, feathered wings. I think it had two eyes, or used to. One of its eyes was replaced by a telescope. It also seemed to be missing one of its two legs, which had been switched out for a robotic prosthetic. On top of its right shoulder stood a small bipedal humanoid that could repeat words, but not speak for itself. (See Figure 42.2) I guess Dilly hadn’t been as hard to believe as I originally thought and these beings were desperately after “all the riches in the universe.” Dilly didn’t want to share the gold - even though there was plenty to go around - and the ugly being ran toward the few ships that had just arrived. 

Dilly screamed, “NOOO!!! NOOO!!! NO!!! These riches are mine. I followed the map. I found the gold. You can’t have it!”

They killed Dilly Dones right where it stood. I was far enough away that they noticed me, but didn’t see me as a threat. 

I watched them collect buckets on buckets of gold, surely enough for the entire crew. But then they got greedy. They mutinied against their leader with the telescope eye. After killing that being, another being took charge of the crew, but the remaining crew quickly mutinied again.  A third being took control of the rambunctiously violent scallywags, only to have the crew mutiny a few minutes later. This process repeated over and over. When there were only two beings left, they wrestled for full control of the liquid gold and fell into the molten river. I knew they would last less than a second in the scalding river. The two beings were consumed by the gold much like Dilly and the crew were consumed by their greed. 

Of course, none of them were aware that gold was pretty much worthless in the Human Galactic. Like pennies. Gold no longer held any monetary value after humans started mining asteroids. Platinum and gold became just as common as aluminum and lost all of their scarcity. I would truly have no use for it back home, but we still needed some funds for the rest of our journey. Although gold was relatively worthless, there was enough of it on this planet to fill up the ship, which should get me to the next few destinations. Plus, nearby, there was an entire planet that had been built into a massive shopping mall at the intersection of a few common interstellar travel paths. I thought the mall might still take the ancient commodity. I carefully stepped around the bodies of the dead crew and took as much gold from the river as my ship could carry.

RATINGS

Hospitality — NA
Food — N/A
Sights — 7/10
Activities — 1/10
Family Friendly — 8/10 (family-friendly treasure hunt!)
For Those That Wish to Find a Lot of Liquid Gold, Here’s the Secret Map: