51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

DIGIDIA (dih-gih-dee-uh)

Scort Muggins, Human year 3251:

One of my father’s posts on social media was from a planet that looked like a utopian paradise. I figured I could get back on his trail while also spending time in an elegant place. I deserved to treat myself to a little pampering. 

There was a gentle breeze on a perfectly sunny day in the 70s when I landed on Digidia. I was greeted by highly advanced AI robots that were built in the image of a Digidian. They were incredibly tall, skinny, and hairy - like a stretched out Bigfoot with four eyes (See Figure 18.1). They collected my information and led me to a beautiful, vast lounge where travelers decompressed after a long journey. Large, tinted-glass walls let in the perfect amount of sunlight without getting in your eyes or allowing the heat to beat down on you. I was given a drink in a stunning ceramic chalice that appeared to have fire burning from the top, but when I took a sip, it was a delightfully-cool flame. The lounge had a good amount of visitors, but it wasn’t crowded because of how big it was. In fact, every building on Digidia was outrageously large. As I flew to the port, I could see the immense expanses of forest and open fields, only noticing infrequent giant buildings and Digidians playing a game in which you throw a small disc into a basket across a huge course. It seemed like the Digidians had all the space to spare. 

I had a couple more flaming drinks in the lounge and ordered what I was told was the best thing on their menu. It was exquisite. I couldn’t tell exactly what kind of meat I was eating, but it had the juiciness of cluffert eggs and the slightly salty taste of a bigorn thigh. [Note: Cluffert eggs and bigorn thighs are very expensive Martian delicacies that I’ve only had the chance to eat once, but love to mention as much as possible.] If everything was as amazing as the lounge, I couldn’t wait to see what my hotel room looked like.

I put my leftovers in a takeout box to give to Luskem who was waiting on the ship. Luskem’s mobility had gotten better, but they [Note: Luskem’s gender wasn’t male or female or anything human, but pronouns rule and make writing easier.] still couldn’t walk around very easily so I thought it best for them to stay at the dock. I got the check from the meal and thought there must be a mistake. Someone had added far too many zeros to the prices, so I asked my robot waiter and it said that everything looked right. There was no way. I asked for the manager, and another AI robot came over to say that everything was correct. What the flirk. My meal and drinks had somehow cost the majority of my influencer sponsorship. I argued but to no avail. FINE. I gave them the credits and immediately went back to my ship. Knowing how much the lounge cost, I knew that I could never afford a hotel on such a planet - let alone another meal - and I had to leave immediately. 

When I got back to my ship, an AI robot asked me to pay the docking fee. I didn’t dare ask how much, but the robot told me anyway. 

I only had a quarter of the amount. They wouldn’t let me back on my ship. 

There was only one thing I could do. I calmly, peacefully... screamed, argued, and caused a scene. They had to let me off the planet at least! I couldn’t afford the Digidian food or shelter - the prices were astronomical. I would be immediately homeless. Only the elite tech giants of the universe had enough money to visit this place. 

I tried to muscle my way to my ship to escape, but the AI robot proved to be too strong for me, and when three more showed up, there was no chance. I saw Luskem slowly limp their way to the ship’s exit to see what the commotion was. They were behind the AI robots, so they stayed hidden. Through my yelling, I covertly told Luskem to stay on the ship until I came back for them. 

“This is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t STAY here ON this planet. You have to let me back to the SHIP. Just you wait UNTIL I get my lawyer on the phone. He’ll COME for you. Watch your BACK,” I yelled.

Luskem didn’t get the message and kept limping toward me. 

“LUSKEM STAY ON THE SHIP.” 

Luskem got that message. Then, I was tazed, cuffed, and taken away to a holding vehicle, but not before I saw Luskem run safely back on the ship. As the vehicle drove to some unknown location, I wondered if this was the end of my journey. I would have to work a lifetime to pay off the docking fee and escape the planet. It didn’t matter where they were taking me; I would never make it back to my ship. 

Behind us, I noticed the Digidian sun about to set. I wasn’t sure how long a sol lasted on this planet, and I didn’t remember what time it was when I had landed. I hoped that I was about to be brought to some sort of shelter for the night, though I wished it wasn’t a prison. I saw a structure in the distance, but it didn’t look like any building. It looked more like a wall across the entire horizon. 

I asked the driverless vehicle, “Where are you taking me?” 

It told me, quite ominously, “To the other side.” 

I further inquired since that didn’t really answer my question, and the vehicle explained that Digidia had a rotation on its axis that matched perfectly with its rotation around its star. One half of the planet was always in the starlight while the other half was in an eternity of darkness. That’s when I realized that the sun wasn’t setting. I was being taken to the other half of the planet that was shrouded in darkness. 

The autonomous vehicle passed through a door in the massive, but decrepit, wall. It seemed like the wall hadn’t had any upkeep for decades. The vehicle stopped, aggressively ejected me, and then drove back through the door. I brushed myself off and looked around, but couldn’t see much of anything in the dark. I saw a hole in the wall, so I thought I would sneak back to my ship and make an escape. The autonomous vehicle was parked, waiting for me on the other side of the hole, and before I knew it I had climbed right back into the vehicle. It drove me through the door a second time, violently ejected me into the darkness, and drove away. This was a cycle that was never going to end. But I tried again eight more times, waited a half hour, and tried a ninth time.

No such luck. I was stuck in the darkness. I stood there a while, unsure of where to go or what to do. It was so much colder on this side of the planet, and I needed to find somewhere to get warm. Once my eyesight had adjusted to the darkness, I saw a house not too far away. As I got closer, I noticed that it wasn’t so much a house as it was a cave. This place was SPOOK CITY, but the cold winds were picking up, and I needed to find shelter and figure out an escape plan. As I sat in the dark cave, no plans came to mind. I wasn’t sure how long I would last on this half of the planet. I didn’t know how to find food or if there even was food on this half of the planet. Maybe I was the food for something bigger than me. I was sure I’d be eaten when I saw the four giant eyes staring at me in the cave, especially when they were joined by eight other eyes. They got closer and closer until I could see their hairless, lanky, bent over bodies creeping toward me. 

I ran from the cave, and my exit was blocked by three more creatures. I tried to fight through, but I wasn’t strong enough. They grabbed me and brought me back into the cave. When they told me to calm down, I told them to calm down. Only after screaming a few more expletives did I register that these beasts were trying to talk to me. One creature mixed two liquids in a bottle and shook it. The bottle started to glow and light up the cave. This was a house. There were worn beds further into the cave with smaller versions of the tall creatures snuggled up in covers, staring at me as if they were terrified of me. I was in what appeared to be some kind of kitchen, surrounded by a dozen of these monsters. I thought one of the horrific-looking monsters looked like my father, but I think I was projecting. One of the creatures made something in a bowl, handed it to me, and told me to eat it. I smelled it and passed. It was horrid. These creatures were living in squalor. This entire cave was a dump. When I told them that, they got upset. They didn’t like living there any more than I liked visiting. 

The creatures went into a long, drawn-out history lesson about how they used to look like the Digidians on the light side of the planet. In fact, they all used to live there many centuries ago, but prices kept rising and only the rich and powerful could afford to live on the bright side. The wealthiest five percent of the population live there now while the poor ninety-five percent live in the darkness. The Digidians had lived here so long that their bodies adapted to the new environment. They lost their hair and their good posture from living in caves and scavenging food from the dirt in the ground. It turned out to be a very sad, but too long-winded, story. I asked them why they didn’t just band together and take over the other half of the planet. The wall was in ruins and they could easily get across. They explained that after living in darkness for centuries, they’ve become unable to live in the light. The reason the wall hasn’t been maintained is because these creatures can’t physiologically cross into the light anymore, so there was no reason for the wall. 

The Digidians told a heroic story about the only being that escaped and crossed over from the dark side to the light side. They revered this being as a god and told the epic tale all across the dark side of the planet. When the Digidians first saw me, they confused me with the legendary being, saying that I looked exactly the same. I told them that the being must have been a human if we looked so similar.

“What was the being’s name?” I asked. 

“Billip...” the creatures murmured. 

“Get the flirk out,” I gutturally responded.

My father was the being these creatures thought was a god. How wrong they were. I told them as much. He was just a human that snuck through the wall and escaped, leaving the creatures behind and never giving them a second thought. That was probably why the automated vehicle waited for me on the other side. The Digidians knew that I would try to do the same thing and had the vehicle stand guard to ensure that I would be kept on the dark side. It was also clear that my father just posted the light side on social media, completely hiding the dark side of his adventures on the planet - something that was quite common on social media, but had never put me in mortal danger. 

The monsters offered to let me stay, and I had no choice but to accept. I lain [Note: Honestly, this is the first time I’m using “lain” and I’m not sure if it’s right, but it makes me sound like I really know my grammar.] awake in a broken bed on top of sharp rocks. I couldn’t live like this the rest of my life with these ugly, trash beings. I had to get back to my ship somehow and get off this planet like my father, but I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help. And to get help from the grotesque Digidians - I’ll call them Disgustians from now on - would be impossible because they couldn’t step into the light. As I clutched my bed sheets tighter in the hopes of not freezing my tuchus off, I came up with an idea. 

I guessed it was morning because I heard the Disgustians shuffling around. I got up, ready to explain my plan to them. I grabbed my bed sheet and asked a few of them to come with me to the wall. When we got to the wall, I threw the bed sheet over one of the Disgustians and told it to climb over the wall to the other side. It was hesitant at first, but after enough bullying, I got it to climb over. To everyone’s surprise, the Disgustian didn’t die in the light, protected by the bed sheet. However, it did die when the autonomous vehicle, presumably still waiting for me to try and cross the border, opened fire on the Disgustian (See Figure 18.3). 

As the rest of the group mourned their friend and family member, I explained to them that this was great news. The bed sheets protected them from the light, and if they all banded together, they could revolt against the five percent. They could have their planet back. All we needed was one giant sheet to cover an entire army. 

The Disgustians got to work immediately, and I managed the project. I didn’t want to stay there for a second longer than I had to, especially since I needed to get back to Luskem. At least they had some food on the ship and the Plysmorphian crumbs to eat. I wasn’t sure how long those would last, though. This was a massive project and would take time. I was forced to live in the cave for a few months. I tried their food. It was rancid. I checked out their monuments. Shoddy craftsmanship. I saw their landscapes. Couldn’t see a damn thing. I tried to speed up their sewing with positive feedback, but there were only so many times I could fake compliments to such revolting monsters. 

Finally, the day had come. The planet-wide sheet was sewn, and the Disgustians were ready for battle. We stood, staring at the wall, holding the sheet above our heads. I looked back to the Disgustians and gave a rousing speech. They were amped. The ninety-five percent was ready to take back what was theirs. Seconds before we started our assault, another autonomous vehicle came through the wall. It ejected a being I almost didn’t recognize - a fully regrown Luskem. I was so thrilled to see them alive. And so big at that! They had obviously had enough food to regain their full strength and had come to rescue me… unsuccessfully. We hugged and had the reunion of two best friends that hadn’t seen each other in months, but this was no time for tears. We were about to enter another war together. 

I quickly glanced over the wall and saw both autonomous vehicles still waiting there. After I screamed for the Disgustians to charge, Luskem and I waited a beat to make sure the Disgustians had taken down the vehicles before we went over the wall. I didn’t want either of us to get shot. Not after what happened to Luskem last time. 

As the Disgustians charged through the light for the first time in centuries, the hemisphere-length sheet took on a life of its own when it picked up the wind. I started to wonder what it must’ve looked like from space as the bed sheet began to cover the planet. I was so proud of these horrific creatures as I looked around and saw them taste vengeance for the first time in their lives, ripping every wealthy Digidian limb from limb. I had never led a revolution before, and it felt pretty good. I had almost forgotten what my hidden agenda was. Almost.  

Amidst the chaos, Luskem and I ran for my ship, but then the thought occurred to me that we could be in the market for an upgrade. I scoured the docking station for the most expensive-looking ship I could find, and we ran to steal it. Several other wealthy Digidians were trying to flee from the reckoning, so we had to shove our way through the crowd. The Disgustians had also gotten to the docking bay and were already killing the Digidians fighting to escape. Right before we made it onto a brand new ship, I locked eyes with an AI robot. I couldn’t tell if it recognized me, but I think there was a good chance because it pulled out a large weapon and aimed it right at me. Before I could react, a missile was flying toward me. It didn’t hit me. It hit Luskem. They exploded right in front of me for the second time. I grabbed a leg that survived the blast and ran. 

As soon as I was on the fancy space shuttle, I locked the doors. The Digidians were banging on the shuttle, screaming to be let in, but I wasn’t going to get in the way of Disgustian justice. Not after what the AI robot just took from me. I set Luskem’s leg down in the passenger seat and clipped it in. I felt myself holding back tears, but there was no time to think about it right now. I knew it would regrow and I would have my best friend back again. It would just be a little while. 

I fired up the thrusters and rocketed away. I had to get out fast before the sheet covered the entire sky. I boosted the ship to full throttle and aimed for the edge of the sheet, flapping in the wind and still moving forward on its own. I saw that I was headed for the wall on the other side of the planet, and it was going to be a close call. The sheet was almost there. At the last moment, I forced the ship upward, just barely missing the wall and getting out from underneath the sheet. I blasted into space and looked back at Digidia in my rearview mirror. I knew that underneath the planet-wide sheet there was violence and death, but I couldn’t help but think that the planet looked like it was being tucked into bed, dreaming of a better tomorrow. 

RATINGS (light half)

Hospitality — $$$$$$$$
Food — $$$$$$$$
Sights — 7/10
Activities — $$$$$$$$
Family Friendly — $$$$$$$$

RATINGS (dark half)

Hospitality — 2/10
Food — 1/10
Sights — 0/10
Activities — 6/10
Family Friendly — 1/10
The Joy of Leading a Revolution — 10/10

(Ratings subject to change post revolution)