51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

Hushiiarded MOONS (hoo-shee-ar-dehd)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3253:

The massive gas planet of Hushiiarded had a total of 34 moons. Of those 34 moons, 33 were habitable. Of those 33 moons, 29 were occupied by the same intelligent species. Of those 29, only one was mentioned in my father’s posts, but I’ll get to that later. 

My father often posted about his experiences that made it look like he lived like a king. Though, just as often, he would fail to mention that he was given the experience for free in order to promote tourism or a product he didn’t even use. I suspected that his social posts on the Hushiiarded moons were a similar case. But I was wrong. My father had stayed for a while on the one moon and posted luxurious holographs of him enjoying massive feasts, wearing extravagant clothing, and ordering servants around. He wasn’t just living like a king on the Hushiiarded moons, he was the king. Because of the length of his stay and his status on the planet, I figured I would be able to get a lead on his whereabouts. 

The intelligent species that lived on the moons weren’t named after the specific moon they lived on, but by the planet they all orbited. They were known as Hushites. The gas planet was so enormous that its gravity had slowly stretched the Hushites to be a very tall species, twice the height of the average human. However, the low gravity of the moons, plus the pull of Hushiiarded’s gravity - which essentially lessened the gravity of the moons even more - had also caused them to be a very weak species compared to humans. Multiple eyes circled around their long torsos and gave them 360 degree vision. They had four extremely short legs and four more short legs on top of their heads. I describe all of the appendages as legs because the Hushites moved by bending down and putting their head-legs on the ground and launching the lower half of their body upward and over their heads to plant their leg-legs back on the ground repeatedly. [Note: Head-legs refers to the legs coming from the half of a Hushite body where their faces are located, while leg-legs refers to the legs on the other half of their body.] Their walk was a dance of semi-circles from point A to point B. It was inefficient, but quicker than moving on their severely stubby legs (See Figure 21.1). 

The goofy walk of the Hushites was fun to watch, but not nearly as much fun as seeing them fight. Fighting was actually a huge part of the Hushite culture and government. The leader of the Hushites wasn’t voted in by the public; the dictator took power by winning the battle royale that took place roughly every nine human years. Through much of Hushite history, a different leader won every nine years. However, more recently, there was a leader in power for 81 years. The leader was known by the name of Pupupiipii, meaning “Dictator of Moons” in the native language. And the battle royale ceremony, or Hiogottopii, was now thought to be fixed. Pupupiipii had its own people enter the Hiogottopii, protect the dictator during the battle until they were the only ones left, and then lose to Pupupiipii on purpose. Thus, the Hushite dictator remained in power. That was, until my father arrived on the planet and won the Hiogottopii. My father was the leader of the Hushites for a significant amount of time before he suddenly up and left. They called him Buttapupu, or “Vanishing Dictator.” 

The dictator got to live on the largest of the 29 occupied moons, Powntound, with only those that were specifically chosen by the leader. Meanwhile, the Hushites on the other 28 moons sent food and resources to Powntound, even though these poorer moons were overcrowded and full of starving Hushites. Of course, my father only posted about his life on Powntound and failed to mention any other moons. 

Enough planet backstory. 

Luskem was still regrowing most of their body, but I grabbed my new houseplant Pleeft and took her and her pot along for whatever adventure was in store. [Note: I implanted an education chip - modified for plant life - into Pleeft so she could learn about the universe beyond her mound of dirt on Spaltnia.] Though the education chip downloaded all of the information into Pleeft within seconds, it took her a couple of silent, dumbfounded sols to process everything. She was still being pretty quiet, but seemed glad to be off the spaceship. 

We stayed on one of the poorer moons, Shidsitee, but were able to live pretty well - relative to other Hushites - since my money went further. Although, it still wasn’t very comfortable. I had to walk sideways through every tall, thin doorway. [Note: It wasn’t because of my weight. ANY human would have had to do that.] Even though the bed was luxuriously long, it wasn’t wide enough to get cozy. I never slept well. 

We had arrived to the moon system just a week and a half before the next Hiogottopii. While we waited, we were able to check out twelve of the moons orbiting Hushiiarded. Most were nothing to write home about. The best moon was mostly water and teeming with fascinating marine life. Giant, featherless creatures with wings could swim through the water like they were flying in the air. All of the animal life on the moons were large because of the lower gravity, but the marine life in particular was super strong, having to swim through the violent, massive waves created by Hushiiarded’s gravity. Another moon farmed large insects for food that were five times my size. Pleeft and I tried some of the meat from the insects. I put some meat in Pleeft’s soil… but she just gave me a look, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to taste it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but very salty. 

After touring some of the moons, we entered into the Hiogottopii. There were no rules strictly stating that you had to be a Hushite to enter the battle royale, which is how my father came into power. Pupupiipii tried to change the rules so that wouldn’t happen again, but the legal battles were unsuccessful. As the former leader before my father, Pupupiipii inherited power when he left, and after witnessing the state of destitution the Hushite people lived in, I was beginning to think that Pupupiipii wasn’t such a super duper dictator. 

Hundreds of Hushites ventured to Powntound to witness the fight. More would’ve gone, but they couldn’t afford it, or they just expected Pupupiipii to rig the battle and win yet again. But Pleeft and I weren’t going to let that happen. The venue was a circular stadium with tall walls and seats that went up twenty Hushite stories, which was more like forty-two human stories. 

Hushites had an interesting way of fighting. They used their long bodies to whip their heads and club each other. [Note: The act was called a “fight club,” but I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about it.] Most Hushites could take about a dozen of these fight clubs before they were in real trouble, but as I said before, Hushites are an incredibly weak species. When a Hushite whipped their head at me, it was more like a tap on the shoulder than anything else. I held Pleeft in her pot in one arm, and I grabbed a Hushite by its bottom and twirled it above my head with my other arm (See Figure 22.2). If anyone got close to us, I would slap it with my Hushite whip. As Pleeft and I got closer to Pupupiipii, other Hushites blocked my path. I easily took down a baker’s dozen before I threw my Hushite whip into the wall of the stadium, knocking it unconscious. It was down to me, Pleeft, and Pupupiipii. I set Pleeft down and put on my best intimidation face as I walked toward Pupupiipii. I could tell the dictator was scared, and it was right to be after treating its own people with such disdain. I walked right up to Pupupiipii as the being cowardly curled into a ball. I grabbed it and tied it into a knot with ease. 

“When did the other human leave? Where did he go?” I asked Pupupiipii. 

Pupupiipii spat out, “He just left! Didn’t tell anyone where he was going. Said something about needing to go get twisted... but I don’t know what that means! Please untie me… I don’t think it means twisting me in knots!”

It didn’t. But I knew what it meant. And I liked keeping him in a knot. 

After getting the answers I needed, I punted Pupupiipii so hard that it left the orbit of Powntound and headed straight to Hushiiarded. It was a gas planet too, so I could only assume that Pupupiipii’s lifeless body would continue to fall through Hushiiarded, almost fly out the other end, but then get sucked back into the center of the planet, falling in the other direction. Pupupiipii’s body would do this for centuries until finally falling to rest in the middle of the planet, never to be seen again. 

I turned to Pleeft, who apparently all of the sudden decided to get power hungry. 

“You stupid man. Knowledge is power. Now, with the knowledge of the known universe at my disposal, I will rule these moons. I will rule the Human Galactic. AND I WILL RULE THE UNIVERSE,” Pleeft screamed maniacally.

I tipped her pot over. I was victorious. It took a long time for Pleeft to apologize for her betrayal of my friendship and come to terms with her wild misjudgment of our power dynamic. I kept forgiving her and accepting her non existent apology… which probably made her even more unwilling to apologize, but was fun for me. 

I became the leader of the Hushite people. I invited all those that I had met on the moons we toured to come live with me, Pleeft, and Luskem’s leg on Powntound. I told them to invite whomever they wanted. Several hundred showed up. I declared Powntound an equal moon and stated that all were welcome. I immediately regretted doing that. Far too many showed up, and Powntound became the crowdest moon of them all. Hushites were living on top of each other. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. In the middle of the night, we snuck out, got in my spaceship, and left. I didn’t want to leave a power vacuum like my father did, so I left behind a note that said: “As the leader of the Hushite people, I transfer my authoritarian power to Bybishes.” I didn’t know a Hushite named Bybishes, but I didn’t trust any of the Hushites that I had met with the power of the dictatorship. They would search far and wide for someone named Bybishes and never find anyone, but hopefully then rethink their government and form a democracy. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. Maybe some random Hushite actually had the name Bybishes, and they were about to have their life changed. 

Either way, we were heading to the biggest party planet in the universe, where I was betting my father went to get twisted. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — 7/10
Food — 6/10
Sights — 8/10
Activities — 10/10
Family Friendly — 5/10
Being King for a Sol — 8/10