51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

clyan (cleye-an)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3276:

Clyan  was the last planet that my father spent a significant amount of time on. I wasn’t surprised. They had the largest bars I’d ever seen. Most were about the size of sixteen dupownball stadiums put together, with half of it outside and the other half indoors. 

The planet wasn’t too far away from Mars - only about 3,000 light years. The Clyans were currently on the list of species being vetted to join the Human Galactic if they chose to do so. Most did. [Note: Personally, I don’t have a great relationship with the Human Galactic, but when an alliance of dozens of alien species come knocking on your door offering peace and a galaxy of resources, it’s hard to say no.] The Clyans were fully globalized and had rid their planet of violent conflicts, though curiously, every structure had a high level of security. Locks on every single door protected each room. Everything inside was reinforced as if the Clyanites were paranoid about items breaking or falling over. These must have been precautionary measures for some kind of common natural disaster. At least I couldn’t see any volcanoes in sight - RIP Onumatians. 

Clyanites were about the same size as humans. Their skin was a burnt orange with just a little hair covering their bodies, but it was hardly noticeable. Their features were similar to a human’s in that they had two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and two ears, although their heads were quite small in comparison to the rest of their bodies. They didn’t wear clothes, so I could see that their sexual organs were also very similar, and quite large in comparison to the rest of their bodies. I thought they would get really cold with no clothes, but one glance at their sexual organs told me they were not affected. (See Figure 50.1)

I noticed a sign for a bar called BANGIN’ RAGER PARTY TIME BAR in one of my father’s social posts so we went there. It was as advertised. The outdoor section was surrounded by one connected bar and there were twenty circular bars equally spread out in the center. The indoor section had the same layout. 

Pleeft, Luskem, and I split up to cover more ground, asking everyone if they knew my father or had any idea about his whereabouts. I was continually handed drinks and told to lighten up, but we weren’t there to have a good time.

I couldn’t not drink the free drinks, though, and quickly turned into the life of the party, telling stories of our adventures. There is nothing that gets you drunk faster than great epic… and free drinks. 

I was waved over by a Clyanite in a dark corner of BANGIN’ RAGER PARTY TIME BAR. The stranger told me that they had met my father a while back. “A while back” being twenty five human years ago. It was so long ago that I assumed the stranger would have no clue where my father might be now, but I asked anyway. 

“Do you know where he is?”

“No clue.” 

Flirk. The trail was cold. I thanked the Clyanite and turned away, but they stopped me. In the dark corner, they asked --

“You got any Plysmorphian food? Your father hooked me up.” 

Even in my daze, it all clicked. I was drunk. And pissed. And against my better judgement, I took out my Plysmorphian food box that delivered a single crumb to me every day… and I tossed it to the stranger. 

“Keep it.”

They gleefully fumbled with the box, trying to open it. But they’d have to wait another 24 hours to hear that salivating Pavlov DING before another crumb presented itself. 

I finally knew where my father was. 

I gathered Luskem, Pleeft, and toast-bot, but before I could tell them my discovery, the two moons on Clyan eclipsed. I would’ve usually welcomed such a convenient moment of natural dramatic lighting for a long-awaited, climactic moment, but the eclipse signaled much more than an answer to our long journey’s question.  

Every Clyanite at BANGIN’ RAGER PARTY TIME BAR stopped dancing in their tracks, went silent, and stopped the music. I was in the middle of screaming to my friends, and I was left looking like an idiot being the only person talking during a silence. My embarrassment rapidly turned to fear as each Clyanite started to morph. First, their heads grew twice the size, and a long snout with two rows of sharp teeth sprouted from it. Next, two more arms burst from their torsos followed by their buttocks elongating a painful amount, only to have two more hind legs poke out from the bottom. Their hair grew and their eyes turned a bright green. Their ears remain unchanged, which was the most unsettling part of their new appearance. (See Figure 50.2)

We had seen enough strange things to know that we were in a bad spot, and we bolted for the exit. We were almost to the door when their transformation completed and all of their attention turned to us. Hundreds of Clyanites charged, but we were able to push the exit button, get out of the door, and close it before any of them breached the wall. We held our backs against the solid metal door for a moment in pure fear, their monstrous new bodies flying at full force against the door. But it didn’t budge thanks to the Clyanite construction code - reinforced and locked. In this transformed state, the Clyanites didn’t seem to remember how much they liked me and my incredible ability to tell a story. They also didn’t understand that they needed to press the exit button to open the door. I made a note of that. However, in my state of intoxication, I wasn’t sure if I would remember. I mentioned it to both Pleeft and Luskem, but they were both intoxicated too. 

We weren’t safe for long. A few Clyanite monsters ran past us in the streets. They looked just as drunk as we were, stumbling over their four legs and losing balance. We didn’t move a muscle and stayed silent. They passed us, but we needed to find safety posthaste. 

I tried calling the ship to pick us up, but it wouldn’t respond. The feature must have been damaged on Bolem or Nomerst. We had to run to the ship… and it was about a kilometer away... and I was severely out of shape. I instantly regretted my lazy travel diet and forgiving exercise regimen. I thought I was going to throw up. 

Before long, our running attracted two separate groups of Clyanite monsters. I think there were four or five in each group, but I didn’t stop to count, nor did I trust my blurred vision.

We got off the streets and ran through some woods nearby. The foliage slowed them down - tripping over stumps and sticks - but just barely. And that’s not to say I wasn’t tripping a lot too. I wished the fight or flight burst of adrenaline would’ve made me more coordinated. They had some powerful drinks. We were in trouble. 

Luskem and I jumped on top of toast-bot, who zoomed past us while carrying Pleeft. The three of us slowed the little toaster down, but it was still going faster than we were running. Pleeft tried to push us off to no avail. It’s always adorable when she thinks she’s stronger than a blade of grass.

We came to a clearing and saw what looked like a larger sort of barn. We ran for the barn. I pulled and pulled at the doors with no luck, while Luskem and Pleeft screamed at me. Then I pushed and pushed because I didn’t want to die looking like an idiot pulling on a push door. I had already embarrassed myself once on this planet. At the same time, all three of us remembered we needed to push the button to enter, and we dove in as quickly as we could. I slammed the heavy doors on a Clyanite’s arm and heard a shriek as it was sliced off. The pulsing disembodied hand twitched in the dark barn, but we were safe.

“Are you guys o—” 

I immediately vomited because of my inebriation and the abrupt increase in physical activity, but also because of the smell in the barn. We heard a loud grunt and groan and something huge shuffling around behind us in the dark. As we slowly turned around, we were confronted by a huge animal. It must have weighed over three tons and stood up on the girthiest of legs. It had an array of stumps on its back that looked like they had once been spikes but had since been shaved down (See Figure 50.3). The beast only had one eye - we didn’t move a muscle, thinking its depth perception was inadequate. Two humongous nostrils with no nose sniffed the air. Its head looked like a bowling ball that a giant would still need bumpers to use. [Note: Bowling is the longest lasting sport in human history.] This was a takkabor. Back at the bar, I was told that the intoxicating ingredient in the Clyanite drinks was a liquid that came from the utters of these monstrosities. They were farm animals. 

We stayed in the barn for hours and continued to hear the possessed animals outside, scratching at the door, waiting for us to come out. We remained calm thanks to continually sucking on the teat of the takkabor and maintaining our buzz. But these monster Clyanites weren’t leaving. We were stuck in the barn until they transformed back into their much more approachable selves. And we didn’t know how long the double moon eclipse would last. 

There was a second floor of the barn so I climbed up and peered out of an opening. I saw the horde of ferocious beasts trying to tear apart every meter of the barn. At this point, we were completely surrounded since more Clyanites had been attracted to the noise. I helped Luskem and Pleeft up to the second floor and pulled out a recording device to film the whole thing. 

They must have known about their transformations, but then, you would think they would’ve told us before the double eclipse. I guess it could be possible that they had no idea what they were since they all mutated at the same time. This must have been why everything was so secure and reinforced, but I didn’t think the barn could withstand such a crowd.  

I was right. The barn door broke open and the takkabor was surrounded and ripped apart by the Clyanites who wasted no time. Luskem and I had lifted up toast-bot at the last moment. It would take some time to take down the takkabor, as the monsters scratched and bit its thick hide. Time was all we could hope for because there was no escape from the second level of the barn. I could only keep recording as they tore apart their beloved farm animal. We were spotted, and a few Clyanites started climbing. This was it. We would meet the same fate as the takkabor. Right after I finally figured out where my father was. 

Then, the eclipse ended. The Clyanites returned to their normal form, covered in the blood of the takkabor, confused and frightened. I was about to show them the footage I took, but then I stopped. Instead, we comforted them. They didn’t know anything about their transformation, and maybe they didn’t need to know. At BANGIN’ RAGER PARTY TIME BAR, I heard legends of beasts that terrorized their cities and towns, but they had no idea that they were the beasts. I assumed, based on nothing, that the Clyanites hadn’t always been like this. Their ancestors were probably cursed one by one and knew of the effect of the eclipse. But when all of them fell victim to the moons, the Clyanites of the past reinforced and secured everything, and then never spoke of it again. Thus, all of their offspring were never aware of their curse. Total conjecture, but a great explanation. 

I’m not sure if I would want to know if I was a monster. Maybe I am. Past-Scort was, but I had changed. I was different. After being truly fathered by Gliff on Meiti, I was a new man. Unless… nature really is more powerful than nurture.

Either way, it was time to face the origin of my nature head on. It was time to find my father. It was time to go back to Plysmorphis. 

[Note: I figured out my father was on Plysmorphis, if that wasn’t clear.]

RATINGS

Hospitality — 5/10
Food — 8/10
Sights — 4/10
Activities — 3/10
Family Friendly — 1/10
Double Eclipses — 1/10