51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

Sachipauri (sah-chih-pah-ree)

Scort Muggins, Human year 3251:

One of the more uniquely beautiful places I visited was Sachipauri. Although there was no multicellular life there, the scenery was worth a visit. About half of the dwarf planet was composed of sand and water while the rest was mountainous rock. The most amazing aspect of Sachipauri was the electrical storms that built over the oceans and made landfall on the massive beaches, creating huge fields of lightning glass. 

Lightning glass isn’t the clear, smooth glass you know and love. It’s actually quite opaque and dangerously sharp (See Figure 17.1). It looked more like prickly sea corrals than glass. But over time, the water erosion from the ocean waves and wind erosion had smoothed the glass and constructed glass canyons and giant natural monuments out of glass. I landed my ship as close as I could and wore protective clothing. I decided to leave Luskem in the ship because my alien friend still hadn’t fully regrown, and I was worried Luskem would be too clumsy and hurt itself on the glass shards. 

This was the best planet to come to after Xartogan. I was still reeling from the nihilistic slap to the face. I was in no condition to put in the effort to make a good first impression on some insignificant alien race on behalf of all humanity. I had already made such an incredible first impression on so many species. It was time for a break. 

To get to the ocean, I had to make my way down a tunnel and came across a river flowing through it, beneath the surface. I turned on the flashlights attached to my protective gear, and followed the tunnel river down. It met with another river and then another. I realized that the glass beaches of Sachipauri were filled with these proglassial rivers [Note: Proglassial river - a river flowing through glass. Derived from “proglacial river” - a river flowing through a glacier.] that all connected with each other and, I assumed, came out through one of the glass canyons. I would soon find out if my assumption made an ass out of u and mption. I slipped on the wet glass and found myself plunging down the proglassial river. 

There were certain points in the river that split into two or more paths that I could follow, but I had no decision in the matter. The eroded glass was far too slippery for me to grab onto anything or control where I was going. After about twenty minutes of gasping and reaching for any lifeline to stop my plummet, I accepted my fate and decided to enjoy the best water slide I had ever been on. But the Sachipaquanado [Note: What I’ve named the Sachipauri water slide.] lasted only a few more seconds before I found the end. The river turned into a shallow lake with water just about a meter deep. I was inside of a cave that I could only describe as a big glass geode. There still wasn’t too much area to cover, so I was able to inspect the walls within a few hours, only to determine that there was no way out. The best way out I could find was the way I came in, and I knew it would be impossible to climb on the slippery glass while against the current. I was trapped. 

The thought occurred to me that the water level in the cave wasn’t rising and the water must have been escaping somewhere. I walked across the smooth glass bottom and began searching for a hole. I noticed a whirlpool and eventually found where the water was escaping. I could feel the current flowing down. The hole was dark, and there was no guarantee where it would lead or if I could hold my breath long enough to make it to the exit. There was a good chance it would just lead to another dark lake in a cave or be an endless river flowing into an endless river. 

I sat in the shallow lake for several hours. I knew what I had to do, but didn’t yet have the courage to do it. I sat in the shallow lake for several more hours. It was really a decision between dying by drowning sooner rather than dying by starvation later. Except, there was this very slim chance that if I chose to die by drowning, I might come out the other side of this ominous water slide and live. On the other hand, maybe this dire situation would change if I stuck around and waited in the cave just a little bit longer. No. There was zero chance that if I stayed in the cave, then someone would save me. After all, there was no life on Sachipauri. It was only me and a partially regrown Luskem, who I knew was incapable of a delicate rescue mission and didn’t even know where I was. I was going to die in the cave or take my chances with the hole... and most likely die in the hole. I decided to sleep on it. 

I didn’t sleep. Millions of scenarios went through my head that night, but I knew that there was only one way out of the cave. I had to face it. It was time to get on with my life or get on with my death. I psyched myself up, standing right next to the hole and taking deep breaths to oxygenate my blood as much as possible. I didn’t want my protective gear to drag me down, so I took all of it off. [Note: My publisher asked me not to include these illustrations, but they are glorious.]  I took one last look and said goodbye to what could have been my beautiful, glossy coffin. But not to-sol. I jumped up... and right back into the same spot I was standing. I couldn’t do it. I paced around the shallow lake for another hour until I went for my second try. It was a couple more hours before I tried my third time. Then my fourth time a few more hours after that. 

This was my very first indication that I might not be the bravest person. I needed a new strategy for my fifth try. Somehow, I had to trick myself into plunging down the hole. I once again took several deep breaths as I inched my way closer to the hole, continuing to tell myself that I was just taking another look and could easily turn around. I inched even closer to the hole. I was only going to see how close I could get to it and then backing away. I ended up leaving the cave the same way I went in: I slipped. It wasn’t the most effective way into the hole, sure. And I tried to claw my way out right after, of course. But tricking myself was the only way I was going to get myself down there. And it worked. 

I was easily picked up by the current and rocketed through the proglassial river. I made myself as narrow and hydrodynamic as possible. I didn’t move, trying to save my breath. There was something peaceful about letting go. It was all up to chance. It wasn’t in my hands whether I lived or died. I had no control. I was ready to accept my fate, no matter what it was. I smiled as complete relief washed over me. 

The relief was followed by instinctual, animalistic panic as my breath ran out and my lungs began to burn. I riled around in the glass tube and tried to grab anything to pull me through faster, but the walls were too smooth. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to die. I was swallowing water involuntarily. My eyes were bulging out of my head. My chest was in agonizing pain. My vision started to blur. 

I came out into an open canyon seconds later, gasping for breath. I swam to the edge of the river, but couldn’t pull myself out since I was too wet, too weak, and kept slipping. I had to drift along the glass canyon river to wherever it was taking me. At least I could breathe, floating on my back and looking at the glass peaks as I went by. 

I washed up on a sandy beach and laid there for a long time, thankful to be alive. I wasn’t ready to die. I was lying to myself in the river. It was a waste of time thinking about life and death on Xartogan. I had no business wondering about the meaning or purpose of existence in the universe. There’s no answer and there never will be, so I’m just going to stop asking the question. 

Dark clouds began to form above me, and I heard thunder in the distance. I sat up, leaning on my elbows, and letting the waves wash up beside me. A vicious electrical storm rolled in above the glass canyons, lighting up the gorgeous, tangled glass labyrinth (See Figure 17.2). 

It was time to walk back to my ship naked. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — N/A
Food — N/A
Sights — 10/10
Activities — 8/10 (if you have scuba gear)
Family Friendly — 4/10
Wearing Non-Slip Boots — Highly recommended