Timintia
Reverse! Reverse!
timintia (tih-mihn-tee-uh)
Scort Muggins, Human Year 3271:
We had to use extreme caution when entering Timintia because it was completely made of antimatter. If the ship or any part of us were to make contact with antimatter of any kind, we would all erupt in a huge explosion of energy. Not even Luskem’s leg would survive… or the planet of Timintia for that (anti)matter. But I had my anti-suit that was anti-gravity, anti-heat, and of course, anti-antimatter. Plus we bought a protective shield for the ship while we were at the Mall of the Universe. We slapped that bad boy on and descended into the atmosphere. Luskem and Pleeft had to stay on the ship, so I didn’t want to be too long.
Figure 44.1 - A Timintian in their natural standing position
The geography of Timintia resembled the barren planet Earth, but it was actually still thriving with life of all kinds. Billions of Timintians populated the planet. Timintians were much like humans, but their heads were between their bottom two appendages. They had arms and hands supporting them, while having legs and feet for arms. It was almost like they were doing a permanent handstand, but it was much more natural than somebody trying to show off at a party. (See Figure 44.1)
There were thousands of these flipped similarities. Although we were only on the planet to get a little piece of antimatter for fuel, I couldn’t help myself from exploring this eerie carbon copy of humanity’s birthplace.
After asking around, I found my way to a university and spoke with a few professors. One gave me a general history lesson of the planet. It was like a compilation of old films and books that regarded themselves as original and creative just by adding a single twist to an existing piece of history. Here’s a brief list:
The Boston Coffee Party sparked an American resistance to English rule
The South won the Civil War
Germany won World War II
Russia was the first to land on the moon
The Berlin Wall was still standing
Africans enslaved millions of caucasian people
Women have always made more money than men
Lex Luther used the printing press to post the 95 Theses
Jesus peacefully lived to an old age
Napoleon was tall and never had a need to prove himself by conquering
Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo were all named after turtles
Jews were welcome everywhere they went with open arms
Istanbul was renamed Constantinople
Area 51 didn’t contain any aliens
I wondered if every planet had an antimatter opposite like Earth. If that was true, that meant that Mars would have an antimatter opposite where the antimatter version of myself would live. There might even be an antimatter version of my father - a version of my father who was probably an attentive, loving, and dependable man.
Here are some more things of note that I learned about Timintia:
The NFL became super popular with international countries all across the globe
China lost WWIII, AKA The Water Wars, but were victorious in The Moon Wars
China now only exists on the moon
Climate change was completely reversed
Tech companies respected everyone’s privacy
Ronan Farrow was accused of sexual misconduct
The top 1% distributed all of their wealth justly and equally
Nicholas Cage made a bunch of really good movies
The Middle East settled their differences and became the humus capital of the world
Instead of Ancestry.com, it was 23 and Me that cloned everyone to fight the Robot Wars
The Clone and Robot Rights Movement was a huge success
I thanked the professors and wished that I could shake their feet, but I didn’t want any of us to blow up. They were appreciative of the sentiment. People were really nice here.
I took a pebble of dirt from the ground - more than plenty of antimatter to create a significant fuel source. Now, we just needed three metric tons of methane.
RATINGS
Hospitality — NA
Food — N/A
Sights — 8/10
Activities — N/A
Family Friendly — N/A
Constant Fear of Catastrophic Matter and Antimatter Explosion — 0/10