51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

mall of the universe (MAHL uhv thuh YOO-nih-vers)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3271:

When I got back to the ship on Zebyn, I heard a familiar “DING!” and immediately started to salivate. My muscle memory had me rushing over to a box that I instantly recognized, and out came a crumb of food. I hadn’t had a Plysmorphian crumb since before I was a baby. I tossed it back and was in absolute bliss as I chewed on it for hours. No wonder Gliff always thought I was a picky eater. Luskem and Pleeft were obviously used to this behavior.

We took the buckets of gold from Zebyn and set course for the Mall of the Universe. It took us most of the sol to find parking in the structure that covered at least half of the planet, then we finally made it to the mall that made up the other half of the planet. There were hyperloop trams for transporting customers from the parking lot to the mall, to whichever places or shops you wanted to casually browse but not buy anything from. The hyperloop tram still took close to an hour.

We were there to fill up on fuel and supplies. Only fuel and supplies. …And maybe some cute outfits.

But the mall attractions attracted and became distractions that distracted. We didn’t walk ten meters before we were pulled into the Escape Dungeon. 

For some reason, I wasn’t allowed to be in the same Escape Dungeon as Pleeft or Luskem. Instead, I was put in a dark room with six other strangers and locked in. We each had numbers 3-9 assigned to us and displayed on our person - I was number six (See Figure 43.1).

It wasn’t immediately apparent what we were supposed to do, but we saw writing on the ceiling that simply read:

“Do not share the same fate as 1 and 2…”

That explained why our numbers started with 3. And 1 and 2 must have drowned because the drains on the floor of the dungeon started gushing water. There was no way out. Everyone banged on the walls and screamed. One amorphous being expanded and exploded with a shriek only to rebuild itself as its parts crawled back together. Impressive, but useless in this situation.

I yelled at everyone, got their attention, and assured them that we weren’t going to die. There was no way this business was allowed to drown people just to give them a thrill. Think of the legal fees. But then again, I had signed a release form without reading it, so I couldn’t be sure. And depending on how hard it was to escape, they were literally killing their opportunity to have return customers.

I didn’t have time to figure out how Escape Dungeon returned a profit. The water was already up to my ankles.

“There’s no reason to panic,” I lied confidently.

We looked around for anything that might help us. I saw six tick marks on one wall, three tick marks on another, and seven tick marks on the third. On the fourth wall, another being found some kind of appendage scan with a lock around it, making it impossible to use. The beings right next to the scan all tried to yank the lock off, but it didn’t work. I yelled at them to try every combination of the three numbers on the wall. The first combination - no luck. The second combination - no luck.

The water was up to my knees.

The third combination worked and the lock opened. Another number appeared above the scan. It was three. Number Three took it upon itself to put an appendage in the scan. The scan turned green and gave the group a reassuring three-note tone. We were on the right track. But before we could celebrate, Three was instantly shocked and killed, floating lifeless on the surface of the rising water… which was lapping at my waist.  

The lock closed again and the tick marks on the walls changed. Four and Five plugged in the new combination. The lock opened and another number appeared above the scan: Eight. There was no way Eight would put any body part in that scan and tried to doggie paddle away, but Four and Five grabbed Eight and dragged it to the scan.

I screamed, “There must be another way! We can’t keep killing each other!”

But Four and Five forced Eight’s appendage into the scan, and Eight died immediately. 

The water was up to my chest. The numbers on the wall changed again. 

No matter how much I fought them, the process repeated. The beings continued to murder each other, sometimes shoving them onto the scan or drowning them beforehand and putting their limp appendage onto the scan. When I tried to help Four, Seven threw me against the wall.

“Stay out of the way Six!”

And I was terrified of Seven because Seven ate Nine. But now it was down to just us two. The water was above my head. I had to swim.

Seven put in the next combination since I wasn’t going anywhere near the scan... or Seven for that matter. The last number came up: Six. It was mine. Seven had already lunged at me before my number even came up. I had no time to react. Seven pushed me under the water that was now close to the ceiling. There was no way I could overpower Seven, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to escape without the scan killing me. The scan chose me. I had to die. I struggled to burst through the surface.

“I’ll do it! I’ll sacrifice myself!”

Seven let me go. We took our last breaths as the water reached the ceiling. I dove down. Seven watched as I reached into the scan… and then pulled my hand out to flip it the bird. If I had to die, Seven was going down with me. I wouldn’t let them kill again. Seven desperately swam toward me, but started to asphyxiate, spasming before my eyes. It didn’t appear Seven’s species had great lung capacity. As soon as Seven was dead, a buzzer went off and the water drained. I slumped against the wall, gasping to catch my breath, as the six lifeless bodies floated to rest on the floor. 

A few moments after the water was fully gone, a door opened and an attendant congratulated me on escaping the dungeon. I didn’t have the energy to release my fury just yet, but I knew it was coming. I slowly stood up and was about to demand to see the manager when Numbers 3-5 and 7-9 all stood up. They asked me if I had fun and wished I would come again soon. I didn’t say another word as I exited, wide-eyed and confused by the extremely life-like Escape Dungeon experience. Luskem and Pleeft left their rooms just as bewildered. I was bothered by my unwillingness to sacrifice myself to save another. It reminded me a little too much of Scort from a past life. I was trying to be a new man, a better man. But then again, I did think Seven was a murderer at the time. That must have justified and rightfully explained my lack of heroic instinct…

Food court time! The mall had food from all over the universe, and we ate some gouverkis, monga, and plibcil. [Note: A gouverki is a traditional Chaxiote sandwich with meat and a peppery paste they put on most of their food. Monga is a Digidian dessert soup that could be served hot or cold. I prefered cold. Plibcil is a Wimberling salty snack that comes in small pebbles that expand in your mouth.] Having tried these foods from the actual planets they were from, I was a quite disappointed with the quality. Then I saw the Plysmorphis food stand, and sprinted over to it. There was security around the perimeter as well as a few twitchy customers hoping to get one last fix, but the guards wouldn’t let them through. I remembered my Plysmorphian crumbs in my ship and thought it best not to cause a ruckus in the mall just for a larger portion. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t stand around and pace in front of the food stand for an hour and a half thinking about it. We grabbed soft pretzels from Uncle Unk’s instead. 

Much of the mall, of course, was made up of department stores full of clothes that weren’t meant for humans - nor Ertawons and Spaltnians for that matter, but Luskem and Pleeft didn’t wear clothes. If only I had such confidence. But each store had a machine that would morph the items to fit a customer’s body perfectly, even though they were meant for a different species. I used the machine and bought some new clothes. They fit me better than any other clothes I had owned, but I still knew that as soon as I washed them, they would be a size too small. 

In the center of the mall, there was a massive fountain that would be considered a large sea on many other planets. Small boats took couples along the edges of the fountain while they watched a giant water show shooting billions of kiloliters of liquid across kilometers of sea inside the mall. The fountain was under an expansive glass dome ceiling, hooked up with bright colorful lights that illuminated the moving streams of liquid. The show started every hour on the hour… and was always the same. Uninspiring. (See Figure 43.2)

We walked past shops where beings were having rather bizarre things done to their own bodies. One shop would spray their customers with paint that was a darker shade of their skin color. I thought it bizarre not to try a whole new color if they were going to paint themselves anyway. Another shop stabbed their customers through fleshy skin on parts of their bodies - mostly their face - with shiny sticks and rings. We passed by an even weirder shop where customers were being drawn on in what seemed to be a very painful way. I heard several yelps and screams. Another place ripped the hair from a customer’s body with a sticky fabric. Apparently, some species were attracted to less hairy beings, and I was thankful that human bodies had been hairless for decades, except for the head. I would never have to go through such a barbaric process.  

We came across a huge arcade that was filled with every game imaginable. There was a bar inside that served strong drinks which Pleeft made toast-bot speed over to right away. She posted up there for the remainder of the mall experience. 

A section of the arcade advertised incredibly immersive virtual reality games and tours. One of the virtual tours took you on an adventure to different planets across the galaxy. Been there, done that. Luskem and I played a multiplayer battle game instead. A group of snickering smaller beings rushed over and joined us. We all put on our headsets. 

We were transported to a jungle and started moving through lush foliage. I was with Luskem and two other beings. We were all armed and wearing protective gear. The being leading our unit stopped and told us to be quiet. Seconds later we were ambushed by four other soldiers and killed.

We respawned and the battle was on. I darted through the jungle quickly to avoid being ambushed again, but I ran into two enemy soldiers who shot me and killed me before I could even aim. I respawned in the ruins of an old temple, so I climbed to the top to get a good vantage point. I couldn’t see any enemies in the dense array of leaves. But apparently they could see me. I was sniped.

I respawned and hid behind a tree. Luskem hid behind the same tree, having been killed just as much as I had. We saw an enemy soldier walk by and I fired my weapon. I missed. The soldier turned around and shot a large explosive at Luskem that ripped them to shreds. Their disembodied leg flew straight at me and I caught it - an all-too-familiar scene. I was immediately shot by the other team and fell to the ground, clutching Luskem’s leg. The leg disappeared as Luskem respawned somewhere else. An enemy soldier came over and crouched down, stood up, crouched down, and stood up repeatedly on the top half of my body as my life left my face.

I respawned a second later, but every time I came back, I would be killed instantly by these immature, pompous children. They continued to shout profanities over the comms and make jokes about my mother, who I was sure they had never met. And every time my body lain on the ground, one or more of the enemy soldiers would start to crouch down, stand up, and crouch down again - over and over. I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t enjoy it. Luskem and I even got the same treatment from our own squad who kept reminding us how much we sucked at the game. I took off my headset, grabbed Luskem, and left. 

After playing several other better games, we amassed millions of digital tickets on our arcade cards. We went to the counter to cash them in with my grand total of 14.8 million tickets. I demanded the top prize - a fuse ray that could combine any two objects or beings in the universe. We didn’t have enough tickets. Apparently the fuse ray was worth 19.7 quadrillion tickets. Bogus. Instead, we got one plastic ring with candy on top and shared it.

We rode the roller coaster, toured the aquarium, and visited the zoo. The collection of alien creatures was impressive. The same couldn’t be said for a gadget store we passed. They had teleporters, holograms, ginctams, intradoctyls, and bimies but I already had at least five of each on my ship. [Note: Ginctams tracked your vitals and overall health like your levels of cholesterol, iron, and blood sugar as well as how much you exercised - I didn’t wear mine often. Intradoctyls could keep track of any planet’s time, your body’s time (age), as well as your conscious time - useful when you consistently flirt with the space time continuum. And bimies shot colorful lasers - super fun.]

We made one last stop to get what we actually stopped for: fuel. Of course, the planet-wide mall with literally billions of shopping options didn’t seem to have what we needed. The fuel options were outdated and we would have to create our own with what we could gather. We were able to get our hands on liquid uranium and some solid nitrogen, but we still needed a flirk ton of methane and just a single drop of anti-matter.

It took us another sol to find our ship and exit the parking lot. 

RATINGS

Hospitality — NA
Food — 2/10
Sights — 2/10
Activities — 5/10
Family Friendly — 9/10
Being Mostly Underwhelmed and Disappointed — Guaranteed