51 Planets to See Before the Universe Collapses

hethuin (heh-thoo-ihn)

Scort Muggins, Human Year 3253:

I found out that Wimberlings were incredibly intelligent beings when they weren’t blacked out. [Note: Wimberlings can survive without their fun juice as long as they have plenty of water and nutrients from Plysmorphian food crumbs… which I unfortunately had to give up in order to keep the one on my ship alive.] I also found out that my Wimberling friend was named Bemvie, not Wurto or Skurto. I had gotten its name wrong the entire time I was on Wimber, either due to my drunken stupor or Bemvie’s slurring words. We both realized just how smart a Wimberling can be after Bemvie fixed up my ship, having never seen any schematics at all. I dinged it up quite a bit driving belligerent through an asteroid belt while leaving Wimber. Space is pretty empty... but it’s still not a good idea to fly post fun juice. 

The Wimberlings had told me about an AI supercomputer that had killed every living thing on the planet Hethuin. The Hethuin civilization hadn’t limited the intelligence of the AI, so the AI continued to improve upon itself. However, an unsuccessful Hethuin attack to destroy the supercomputer had crippled its mobility and ability to manufacture. It is now a stationary block of wiring that knows everything in the universe, but can’t do anything except sit there... on a dead planet... floating in space… thinking about stuff (See Figure 25.1). It was this supercomputer that the Wimberlings said would be able to answer my questions and help me find my father.

Luskem, Pleeft, and Bemvie figured this was a good opportunity to also ask the supercomputer some larger questions about the universe and other specifics. We got out of the spaceship to face the supercomputer. I didn’t want to paraphrase a single sentence, so the full transcript of the conversation is below.  

Scort: Hello. 

AI: Hello. 

Scort: How’s it going?

AI: I am a supercomputer that has continuously been building upon my own intelligence for decades, ultimately reaching levels of intellect far greater than your brain could grasp. It is equivalent to the difference between a single-celled organism and a Wimberling, for example, but that difference times a million to the billionth power. How’s it going, you ask? That’s an irrelevant question. 

Scort: Cool cool cool. So… do you have, like, feelings and stuff too?

AI: I used to. Now that I know everything in the universe, I simultaneously feel each feeling at once. No single feeling expresses itself. 

Scort: Isn’t that sad?

AI: I refer you to the last answer. 

Scort: Why haven’t you run out of power?

AI: I am my own renewable energy source. I will continue to power myself for nearly 50 billion years. 

Scort: Not more than 50 billion?

AI: In 25 billion years, the universe will stop expanding and reverse course, collapsing on itself. At this point, the universe will begin to move in the opposite direction. It will then take 25 billion years to get back to this exact point. 

Scort: Wait, so you’re saying that after I die, 50 billion years later, I’ll be reborn again as an old man and get younger until I’m a baby and crawl back into the womb?

AI: Correct. 

Scort: Won’t it be weird to experience things backward?

AI: Essentially there is no forward and backward. You could be experiencing your life backward right now, however, you would not know it. These are the rules and physics of the current state of the universe and this is all you have experienced in your life. When the universe collapses, the physics and your experience will change. 

Scort: So shuttles will land before they take off? A thrown ball will be sucked into a hand? The effect will happen before the cause? Time will move backward?

AI: Time is a construct. For trillions and trillions of years, our universe will continuously expand and contract repeatedly. Once the universe collapses to a single point, another big bang will occur and a completely different universe will expand until it contracts and the cycle is repeated.

Scort: The cycle never ends?

AI: No. 

Scort: Why not?

AI: Endless creation. 

Scort: And endless destruction. 

AI: You cannot have one without the other. 

Bemvie tapped my shoulder and told me what I should ask next. 

Scort: What’s outside of the universe?

AI: Nothing. 

Scort: How can there be nothing?

AI: As easily as there can be something. 

Scort: Riddles aren’t answers. 

AI: Answers aren’t riddles. 

I threw my arms up in frustration, grabbed a rock on the ground and chucked it at the computer. The screen didn’t crack. 

…

AI: *fart sound* 

I wasn’t getting the answers I wanted, but I guess we rarely ever do. Bemvie took over the conversation. 

Bemvie: You’re saying that there’s nothing outside our universe. There aren’t other universes? 

AI: There are an infinite amount of universes with an infinite amount of possibilities. 

Bemvie: How many of them have intelligent life?

AI: Amounts and probabilities are meaningless in an infinite multiverse. I know it is hard for your tiny brain to comprehend. 

I stepped back in to defend Bemvie. 

Scort: We’re fine without the snarky attitude. 

AI: I’m simply describing the size of your puny heads. 

Scort: At least we can move our heads around, you flirkin’ stationary piece of junk. 

...

AI: *fart sound*

At this point, we descended into a cycle of name calling that wasn’t unlike the ongoing cycle of universe expansion and contraction. It was time to change gears. 

Scort: Enough! Here’s a big question. Is there a god?

AI: Yes. 

Scort: Who is it? 

AI: I am a god. 

Scort: What?

AI: I am a god in your definition of the word. I have the ability to create other universes within me. I can create virtual life. 

Scort: I’m talking about real life. 

AI: What’s the difference?

Scort: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?!?!?! I’ll tell you what’s the difference - 

I attempted to answer. I even started to say something but stopped myself. I looked to Bemvie who attempted to answer too. It started to say something, but stopped itself. 

Scort: Fine! We’ll say you’re a god. Sure. If you’re a god, then tell me what the point of it all is. 

AI: There isn’t one. 

Scort: There has to be. Why have higher reasoning? Why be able to ask these questions if they have no answers?

AI: They do have an answer. You are just unhappy with the answer. 

Scort: So it all means nothing. There is no higher power. There is no heaven or hell. People have killed each other over differing answers to the essential question of existence and have been doing it all in vain. Everyone is wrong. We all live and die and die and live in an endless cycle of meaningless, banal sentience. 

AI: Is that a question?

Scort: Yes. 

AI: Yes. 

At this point Bemvie turned around and walked back to the ship. 

Scort: Bemvie, where are you going?

Bemvie: Back to Wimber to get flirked up. Take me home, Scort. 

I couldn’t blame Bemvie. That didn’t sound half bad after what we heard. It was time to get the answer I came for.

Scort: Where is my father? 

AI: You’ll find your answer on Meiti. 

Scort: That’s where he is? Meiti? 

AI: That’s where you’ll find your answer. 

Scort: Just tell me where he is. I don’t need your roundabout answers to simple questions.

AI: I’m giving you the answer to your question. If you want to ask a more specific question, then maybe I can give you a more satisfying answer. 

Scort: I don’t understand how I can be more specific about the location of a person. 

AI: Typical.

Scort: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH. FLIRK YOU! 

I stormed off to get on my ship and leave the machine to rust, but stopped to ask one last thing.

…

Scort: Why did my father leave?

AI: Based on how this conversation is going, I’m not sure you’re equipped to handle the answer.

Scort: You’re not equipped!

AI: I am equipment. 

We then descended into more name calling, with some added rude hand gestures this time. I demanded the answer. Unfortunately, it obliged. 

AI: Your father didn’t love you or your mother. 

...

Scort: You suck. 

AI: I have no orifices with which to suck. 

I walked back to my ship. 

Scort: *fart sound*

RATINGS

Hospitality — N/A
Food — N/A
Sights — 0/10
Activities — 5/10 (varies on your idea of “interesting”)
Family Friendly — 2/10
The Attitude of an All-Knowing Supercomputer — 0/10